how to cultivate routine and get out of a rut
plus, a Q&A with Eli Rallo, author of I DIDN'T KNOW I NEEDED THIS
hi, kittens! what a wild week it’s been…since hitting “send” on last week’s sunday series, I feel like I haven’t had a minute to breathe. highlights of the past marathon week have included: hosting three different one-on-one friend dinners (okay, one involved me serving takeout from Xi’an and dessert out of the box from Magnolia, but it still counts!) at my place, seeing the Saks windows and Dior display while sipping on a $16 hot cocoa (LOL, New York), our adorable December meeting for West Village Book Club, hitting up three different spots (Katana Kitten, The Mulberry, and finally, The Nines thanks to our friends at Four Seasons) featured in this Downtown New York Guide that I poured my heart into creating and getting my five-year anniversary present at work, a Rimowa paired with the absolute sweetest note from my colleagues.
needless to say, my heart is practically bursting with gratitude it is so full from all of these *pinch me* New York moments! but what makes this positive aura even more special is knowing what a low I’m coming off of—if you’ve read my october and november sends, I wasn’t shy about sharing how much of a rut I was in this autumn. but it wasn’t the shiny things I listed above that have me back on the upswing. it was the power of ROUTINE. what didn’t make the cut in the highlights I intro-ed with was the not-so-sexy stuff I do all year long that helps me navigate these peaks and valleys. I thought it might be interesting to list out what some of those things are in case you too are in the midst of riding a wave.
weekly therapy: every friday morning, I have 45-minutes carved out with my therapist before my work day starts. sometimes, I really don’t feel like I “need” it, but these are exactly the sessions that sharpen tools to keep me steadier on the days when I’m having a wobbly. if you’re in a position to invest in therapy for yourself, I can’t recommend it highly enough. for me, it’s taken literally years to see some of even the tiniest shifts, and there’s still so much I’m working on, but self-awareness is a lifelong journey. plus, nothing is funnier than being at a dinner with friends and everyone exchanging, “well, my therapist said…” for what we like to call trickle-down therapy!!!!
a saturday morning ritual: for over a year, my friend Jenna and I have had a standing calendar block for a morning workout and walk. for a long time, we did infrared heated yoga, but now we’re committed to The Class (something I’ve streamed digitally since the pandemic but only recently started going in person). this dedicated self-care and catchup time fills my cup in every way imaginable. we’ve now added a stop at Rigor Hill Market to our walk home, and for my New York readers, RUN, don’t walk; their egg sandwich is life-changing.
reading before bed with my phone in the kitchen: this is so obvious, but I feel a million times better when my night time routine involves keeping my phone in the kitchen and reading in bed to get sleepy. I’m not perfect at this, but I can at least recognize when I’m in a content hole and know that the only solution to stopping doom scrolling is to literally remove my phone from my possession. having a cup of tea in hand and getting tired while reading is one of life’s greatest joys!
actually telling people how I’m feeling when they ask: a while back, I decided I was going to stop rattling off the perfunctory “good!” when people asked “how are you?” and if you can try to start doing the same, I bet you’ll be shocked what it can do to free you. as of late, I found myself sharing, “I’m actually struggling a bit, thanks for asking,” and once I said those few vulnerable words, clearing conversations were unlocked. once you can put words to the fact that you’re in a rut, or you’re feeling anxious, or you’re dealing with some family health issues, or whatever it may be, a barrier is broken through that can lead to some really impactful moments.
filling my fridge and pantry with things I love: when I open my fridge and it’s empty, it makes me feel unsteady. I need to know that at the drop of a hat, I can nourish myself without relying on ordering something or going out. even being a single girlie making meals for one, I try to do a full restock weekly so I have fresh foods on hand at all times. this also extends to simple things like having a pantry teeming with all the pasta, sauces, and accouterments to make comfort foods on the nights I just need something cozy, sans guilt. and for me, the ultimate self-care is procuring my groceries at specialty shops; you know I RIDE for Wegmans for staples, but I also only get certain things at certain places. for instance, my Isigny Saint-Mère butter and cheeses from Murray’s, fish from the fish guy at the market, my apples from the NJ farm stand at Abington Square, freshly ground lamb from a butcher that’s been in business since 1900, my bread from Fabrique Bakery….the list goes on! what are your special spots? are you making how you fuel your body a chore, or the act of procuring foods that nourish you a delight?
phone calls with friends: there’s nothing better than your “phone friends.” it’s no secret that I’m a miserable texter, so I love when a friend calls without warning and that turns into an hour-long conversation catching up. my friend Daniela is one of my “phone friends” and I love that we’ll literally go weeks without talking due to travel or just the chaos of life in Miami and New York respectively and then have dedicated phone time to get each other caught up on what we’ve missed in each other’s lives.
limiting my alcohol and caffeine consumption: ugh, I HATE that this makes the list, but the older I get, the more I realize that my body really doesn’t like the days I feed it three coffees, two negronis, and wine at dinner. a top-off? how could I say no? oh, you want to do a nightcap? well, SURE!…I used to want to believe I could do that and be fine the next day. I cannot. lately, I’m both limiting my daytime caffeine consumption (this is really new for me!) and cutting back on booze in a big way. I sleep better, I feel better, and when I can stick to it (cue when I didn’t drink drop for two months post-ACL surgery), my clothes fit better. [ p.s. I have Hilary Sheinbaum, author of The Dry Challenge, coming on for a Q&A on December 31st in case you’re considering Dry January and want to get a head start! ]
walking everywhere my legs can take me: I realize this is a distinct privilege living in New York, but as long as I’m not running late (who are we kidding? I’m ALWAYS running late), I walk whenever humanly possible. yesterday’s step count was 17,546…and that doesn’t include the 12 minutes of burpees we did in The Class considering I’ve long ago freed myself from tracking my fitness with any kind of watch. I’m in my soft girl era in general which means slowing down in all ways possible. getting steps in outside to walk helps to clear my mind and ensure I’m appreciating my body and all it does to carry me through life.
meet Eli Rallo
When I was brainstorming a list of creators, writers, and influential voices in the literary world who I wanted to bring onto the sunday series a few months back, Eli was one of the first people on my wishlist. Her TikToks are some of the most frequently sent back and forth between me and my friends, and I’ve loved watching her creative process unfold as she’s brought her debut, I Didn’t Know I Needed This, to life. I’m thrilled to bring you a Q&A with Eli as we chat about how she approaches storytelling and what’s next for this multi-hyphenate creator.
Kayla Douglas: Eli, as a writer and content creator, you're a natural-born storyteller. What's the thread that ties together your stories across your channels?
Eli Rallo: I think the thread that ties together the stories I tell online, in my writing, and on my podcast is my sheer infatuation with audience. For the longest time, when I was young, I was told that I had ‘too many interests.’ I loved theatre, literary arts, history, and politics. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be a journalist, an author, a theatre artist, or even a politician. The through line of all of these things was pretty obvious to me—thought it wasn’t really obvious to others. I was, and am, infatuated by audience.
I love our ability to share something with an audience—a play, a film, a musical, a book, or even a three-minute TikTok video—and have that piece of art or culture inspire them to spark an interesting dialogue, change their mind or bolster a belief they already had. Audience is so intrinsically important to me and my work. I love my audience. I value them (and how they differ with each medium) and am constantly creating with them at the forefront of my mind.
KD: Your book hit shelves this week, congratulations! Tell us about the premise behind I Didn't Know I Needed This: The New Rules for Flirting, Feeling, and Finding Yourself.
ER: The premise of I Didn’t Know I Needed This is that as we navigate our romantic relationships, platonic relationships, and our relationship with ourselves, we must always remember to center ourselves, put ourselves first, and be intentionally selfish.
At the end of the day, this is your one life, and you are in control—even when it may feel as though you are out of control or struggling to maintain control. These are your choices, and at the end of the day what you want matters—and we should always be reminding ourselves of that.
KD: What do you hope readers take away from your book?
ER: I hope that readers walk away with a general feeling of empowerment. The reminder that we, especially as women, have both a voice and a choice—and that we should use and rely on both is really important to me. I want readers to feel like they can claim and reclaim their own life—their own dating life—in whatever way that makes the most sense to them.
KD: How did you approach applying discipline to your writing practice while balancing content creation across so many platforms, all the while staying sane as you wrote, pitched, polished, and published I Didn't Know I Needed This?
ER: Without even trying to do so, I was really multitasking. I decided that in order to really focus on writing IDKINT, I would have to let my content take the back seat. That said, content creation was my primary source of income for much of the process, so that wasn’t really an option for me. Instead of abandon content creation altogether, I made a lot of my content about writing the book. I took my followers through writing days and writing vlogs and shared about each step of the process. This allowed me to really focus on my writing days and my chapter goals each week, without neglecting my online audience. Simultaneously, I worked on the weekends—with Saturdays as one of my main writing days—in order to prioritize everything I had going on at once.
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KD: What do you think would surprise readers about the day-to-day life of a content creator and writer?
ER: I think for me personally, people may be surprised with how much time I spend alone. I think content creation seems really social—especially when we’re thinking about all the branded events, parties, pop-ups, and trips—but I really spend the vast majority of my week alone. I really don’t mind it, as I am an introvert—and I also have thousands of people living inside of my phone to connect with at any time! I share almost everything about my life online, so that’s the only thing that I think could potentially surprise people about me and my life.
KD: From "I don't know what your prerogative is" to "touch grass," you have homed in on how to give your audience consistency while still creating fresh content every day. How do you stay creative while avoiding burnout?
ER: In order to create great content, one must consume great content. I have a daily line-up of podcasts, books, personal essays, publications, television shows, films, theatrical performances and other mediums of media that I take in on a rotating basis. In order to create great content, I have to stay inspired, and the wonderful thing is, the world is full of inspiration. I also push myself to go and socialize on weekend nights and at events when I do have time—I feel like communicating with my friends, loved ones and other members of my community is often the biggest source of inspiration I have.
KD: Tell us about the most recent work of fiction that left you with a book hangover.
ER: A little basic, but probably Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. What a work of art.
KD: What book is on your TBR that you're most excited to pick up?
ER: Britney Spears’ new memoir, The Woman in Me!
KD: What's next in your journey as a writer?
ER: I have greatly missed writing for screen and stage, and now that the SAG-AFTRA strike is over, I’d love to revisit those mediums again, potentially in a way that expands on the world of IDKINT! I am also currently working on the pitch for my second book, so fingers crossed for that as well!
KD: The Sunday Series was conceptualized as a love letter to my favorite day of the week. If we were with you in Jersey City on Sunday, where would you take us to spend the afternoon?
ER: We would hop on the train and head down the shore to my parent’s house. We’d spend the entire day on the porch and in the kitchen—with lots of good wine, better food, and the best company. Also, don’t forget your book because I always catch up on reading on Sundays!
KD: Where can readers order their copy of I Didn't Know I Needed This, and where can they follow along with everything else you're up to?
ER: I’m @elirallo on TikTok, @eli.rallo on IG, and you can listen to Miss Congeniality podcast wherever you stream. I also have a lineup of my upcoming live shows on my site, theelirallo.com.